GaryView: Vampireology 2011 Calendar
Lissa: What who sent you?
Gary: This lady I know from Twitter. Dragonsally. She sent me a present. A calendar.
Gary: It’s a vampire calendar, see?
Lissa: “Vampireology… The True History of the Fallen Ones.” Well, it looks nicely made. It’s got all these fold out bits, and things stuck on.
Gary: It’s all nonsense of course. I mean, this bit about the Sword of Angels, and the stuff about shape-shifting.
Lissa: And all that stuff about ‘The Ritual of Making’…
Gary: Most of it anyway.
Lissa: … Most of it?
Gary: Well, the vampire drinks your blood, you have to take in vampire blood…
Lissa: You have to drink vampire blood?
Gary: Kind of. Drink it or pour it into an open wound.
Gary: Tell me about it.
Lissa: Oh, sorry. Did it… I don’t know. Did it… hurt?
Gary: For a while. But after that… mostly it felt weird.
Gary: Anyway, it’s an nice calendar. I thought you’d like it. All the detail about the history and characteristics and stuff. Look, here’s a page about talismans. And one on how to kill vampi… <comes to a sudden stop and snaps the calendar shut>
Lissa: I don’t need to know any of that. None of it’s probably not right anyway.
Gary: Actually, everything there would be pretty effective if you could get close enough.
Lissa: Well, I don’t plan to get close to any vampire except you, and I’m never going to attack you, not even with holy water, let alone a stake. I like you.
Gary: Is that what it says? <stares at the passage incredulously> I suppose it might work.
Lissa: Dazzlin’ the kids with their wicked jazzy moves, eh?
Gary: Well, not me, obviously. I can’t dance. At all.
Lissa: You can’t be that bad.
Gary: Trust me, I can. I learned to waltz once. I kept stepping on my Mum’s toes. She made Dad teach me in the end. He had tougher shoes.
Lissa: Modern dancing is easier. You just kind of… throw yourself around.
Gary: I was around in the 60s, you know. It wasn’t all square dancing and country balls. I’m just not very… rhythmic.
Lissa: You probably just lack confidence.
Gary: And rhythm.
Lissa: All right, I’ll take your word for it. But if you ever want to give it a whirl, I’ll take you out.
Gary: If I ever do, make sure you wear steel-capped shoes.
Lissa: <laughs> All right, it’s a date!
Gary: Hang on, I didn’t mean…
Lissa: You’re a vampire. You can’t be scared of dancing. Besides, according to this calendar, that is the best way for you to get your Satanic groove on.
Gary: I think we have already established that this calendar is not actually a reliable resource for vampire behaviour.
Lissa: True. It was nice of the dragon lady to send it to you.
Gary: Dragonsally. Yeah. <smiles as he runs his fingers over the cover image> It was nice of her.
Lissa: You’re really not used to getting presents yet, are you?
Gary: After forty years, I’m kind of out of the habit.
Lissa: Well, don’t forget to send her a thank you tweet. And now we have to pick a night to go dancing.
Lissa: I’ve got a pair of Blundstones. I’ll be right.
Lissa: It’ll be fun. Besides, I haven’t told you my secret yet.
Gary: Which is?
Lissa: I’m not much of a dancer myself. It’s just that I don’t care.
Lissa: So are we on for dancing?
Gary: Do I have a choice?
Lissa: Not really.
Gary: Then yes, we are.
*For newcomers, the GaryView is a review of books/films/TV/entertainment carried out as a conversation between Lissa Wilson (librarian) and Gary Hooper (vampire) , characters from my book ‘The Opposite of Life’.