GaryView: Vampireology 2011 Calendar

Gary: Look what someone sent me!

Lissa: What who sent you?

Gary: This lady I know from Twitter. Dragonsally. She sent me a present. A calendar.

Lissa: Oh.

Gary: It’s a vampire calendar, see?

Lissa: “Vampireology… The True History of the Fallen Ones.” Well, it looks nicely made. It’s got all these fold out bits, and things stuck on.

Gary: It’s all nonsense of course. I mean, this bit about the Sword of Angels, and the stuff about shape-shifting.

Lissa: And all that stuff about ‘The Ritual of Making’…

Gary: Most of it anyway.

Lissa: … Most of it?

Gary: Well, the vampire drinks your blood, you have to take in vampire blood…

Lissa: You have to drink vampire blood?

Gary: Kind of. Drink it or pour it into an open wound.

Lissa: Ew!

Gary: Tell me about it.

Lissa: Oh, sorry. Did it… I don’t know. Did it… hurt?

Gary: For a while. But after that… mostly it felt weird.

Lissa: Oh.

Gary: Anyway, it’s an nice calendar. I thought you’d like it. All the detail about the history and characteristics and stuff. Look, here’s a page about talismans. And one on how to kill vampi… <comes to a sudden stop and snaps the calendar shut>

Lissa: I don’t need to know any of that. None of it’s probably not right anyway.

Gary: Actually, everything there would be pretty effective if you could get close enough.

Lissa: Well, I don’t plan to get close to any vampire except you, and I’m never going to attack you, not even with holy water, let alone a stake. I like you.

Gary: Thanks.

Gary and LissaLissa: What’s this bit about vampires attracting victims by doing a jig to ragtime music?

Gary: Is that what it says?  <stares at the passage incredulously> I suppose it might work.

Lissa: Dazzlin’ the kids with their wicked jazzy moves, eh?

Gary: Well, not me, obviously. I can’t dance. At all.

Lissa: You can’t be that bad.

Gary: Trust me, I can. I learned to waltz once. I kept stepping on my Mum’s toes. She made Dad teach me in the end. He had tougher shoes.

Lissa: Modern dancing is easier. You just kind of… throw yourself around.

Gary: …

Lissa: Rhythmically.

Gary: I was around in the 60s, you know. It wasn’t all square dancing and country balls. I’m just not very… rhythmic.

Lissa: You probably just lack confidence.

Gary: And rhythm.

Lissa: All right,  I’ll take your word for it. But if you ever want to give it a whirl, I’ll take you out.

Gary: If I ever do, make sure you wear steel-capped shoes.

Lissa: <laughs> All right, it’s a date!

Gary: Hang on, I didn’t mean…

Lissa: You’re a vampire. You can’t be scared of dancing. Besides, according to this calendar, that is the best way for you to get your Satanic groove on.

Gary: I think we have already established that this calendar is not actually a reliable resource for vampire behaviour.

Lissa: True. It was nice of the dragon lady to send it to you.

Gary: Dragonsally. Yeah. <smiles as he runs his fingers over the cover image> It was nice of her.

Lissa: You’re really not used to getting presents yet, are you?

Gary: After forty years, I’m kind of out of the habit.

Lissa: Well, don’t forget to send her a thank you tweet. And now we have to pick a night to go dancing.

Gary: But…

Lissa: I’ve got a pair of Blundstones. I’ll be right.

Gary: But…

Lissa: It’ll be fun. Besides, I haven’t told you my secret yet.

Gary: Which is?

Lissa: I’m not much of a dancer myself. It’s just that I don’t care.

Gary: Ah.

Lissa: So are we on for dancing?

Gary: Do I have a choice?

Lissa: Not really.

Gary: Then yes, we are.


You can get the Vampireology 2011 calendar at

*For newcomers, the GaryView is a review of books/films/TV/entertainment carried out as a conversation between Lissa Wilson (librarian) and Gary Hooper (vampire) , characters from my book ‘The Opposite of Life’.