Lissa: Out of a whole range of very dumb vampire films, this one has got to be one of the worst.
Gary: You remember Vampires Anonymous, don’t you?
Lissa: Vampires Anonymous had Michael Madsen in it. What does Blood Angels have?
Gary: Lorenzo Lamas.
Gary: Okay, that’s a fair point… I don’t remember him being so awful in the 80s. He was in this show about surfers and cars I used to watch. Then he was in Falcon Crest. I watched that with Mum a bit, to keep her company.
Lissa: Didn’t he end up in some other soap opera?
Gary: I don’t know. I never watched them after Mum died.
Lissa: But you’re always saying you’ve got all that time to kill.
Gary: Yeah, but I don’t need to spend it watching soap operas. I’m a vampire, not a zombie. Besides, there are still lots of books I haven’t read.
Lissa: I wish I’d read one instead of watching this. I mean to say, scantily clad half-vampire women kept prisoner in what looks like a minimalist art exhibition space, until they collectively and literally chew through the ankles of one to escape from the manacles.
Gary: I suppose it made a kind of sense.
Lissa: Slightly more sense than their business plan of running raves, seducing guys then drinking their blood through their penises.
Gary: That was… that was really weird. And gross.
Lissa: And all that “Oh we don’t kill them, and they say they like it!”
Gary: Actually, Magdalene says that some guys at the club…
Lissa: Oh, please, Gary, do not finish that sentence! And there was that really horrible scene where the fanged worms burst out of one girl’s breasts.
Gary: I closed my eyes for some of that bit.
Lissa: I should have known it would end badly when it started with that cheesy voiceover.
Gary: Yeah. I think doom-laden voiceovers about demons and ancient evil shouldn’t sound like it got copied from Scooby Doo.
Lissa: I think I missed something at the end, too. Several somethings. I’m not sure what Lorenzo Lamas was playing at, with the whole ‘I let you escape and now I recapture you’ thing. What purpose did that serve, apart from filling up most of the hour of the plot?
Gary: I’m not sure if they explained what the ritual of Belial was meant to really be about either. Or maybe I stopped paying attention.
Lissa: We don’t even need to discuss the relative accuracy of the vampire stuff in this one, do we?
Gary: Not when it can be summed up as ‘non-existant’.
Lissa: Can we read another one of those Wolf House books next then?
Gary: Yes please.
Blood Angels from Amazon.com.